Now What?

After the B romance ended, I was left revisiting the whole "what the hell is this?" question. I wondered, "Do I actually like women, or was it just her?"

I try not to bother wasting my energy obsessing and ruminating about things, so I convinced myself to let it go and let it flow. This is all still very recent, mind you, so that shit is still observing and figuring itself out and analyzing and calculating and carrying the 1 and stuff.

I began telling people I was bisexual within the last 6 months or so. Half the time I told close friends because it was something that was a growing part of me and I thought it important to share. The other half of the time, I think I was telling people so I could hear what they had to say about it. It was all still a bit foreign to me, so I wanted to hear how it sounded coming out of my mouth and how others processed it. That helped me process it. Does that make sense? I think that I subconsciously wanted their help making decisions about how I should view my bisexuality and what I should do with it. That was unlike me because I have always been so sure of who I am, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it.

I went on an international trip and a friend told me she was taking me to an all girl lesbian party. I e-mailed my friends back home, nervous about the ensuing lesbo fest. It was my first time in a room full of LESBIANSSSS! When the night came, it was actually comforting. I felt like I was starting to initiate myself into the mystical world of Sapphic love and lust. That night was the best and most memorable night of the trip and it ended with a kiss from the first girl since B. It was hot. She was hot.

A few weeks ago, I was out at a bar and I suddenly noticed that I hadn’t looked at any men that night… or in the past few months. I caught myself enamored by the beautiful women there and wondered… do I still even like men??!!

Do I?!